Me, Myself, and Irene

So, yet another night I can't sleep. It's well after 1 am, and I've not begun to snooze yet...I guess I'll do a post to try and settle my mind so I can sleep.

Okay, maybe I put one too many names on there, but the split personality is my target. I know where I want to go with this, but whether the words end up reflecting that target or not, I'm not sure.

When it comes to socializing, I'm sure I'm not the only one here, but there's the Me everyone knows, and there's the Myself that I know. I struggle with what I let others see. Growing up, image was very ingrained in my upbringing. I have people close to me (who shall remain nameless) that wouldn't buy alcohol locally because someone might see them buying it and think poorly of them. This isn't to say they were/are irresponsible with it, but image was everything. As time passes, I'm trying to rid myself of that.

I personally would rather go to the bar, have some social time (and maybe or maybe not have alcohol), and make sure others get home safely, than to hide what I'm doing for fear of judgment. But the question is, where do I draw the line between personal life, and being real? I have struggles much as anyone with a heartbeat and breath in their lungs does, but that doesn't mean I want to share them.

People see me as being[at least I hope] a good guy, trustworthy, and who knows what else. I've always stayed away from the spotlight for fear of people not liking who they saw. I crack jokes because I enjoy them, but also because it keeps others from having time to get to know me deep down where I'm uncomfortable.

I'm not sure where anybody else is, but I'm ruled by my fears. No matter how hard I try, I have the fear that others won't approve of me. I'm often somewhat quiet in a group because I don't want to be the center of attention. I did everything I could do in school to blend in, because those who stood out got picked on. For this reason, I often don't speak my opinion. If I were to make a statement about something that was right, someone could be sore about it and retaliate, if I were wrong, then people like to rub it in--neither situation is positive. I struggle to speak my mind even on meaningless tasks in my daily life. Thank God that I have Casey to help pull me through the awkwardness and help me to be a better communicator.

I guess my biggest problem is that fear of rejection. I look up to those who can speak their mind and are able to deal with the consequences, good or bad. I struggle with that even to those who are close friends and family. I just wish I knew how to deal with my problems.

As always, comments are welcomed and appreciated. Now maybe I can get some sleep.